Warning: The opinions expressed here are not necessarily the opinions of the whole McGowan family including but not limited to Jennifer, Grady, Riley and their extended family. They by no means concur with or endorse any of the statements herein.
I would like to think that I am a well-rounded person. I mean, I have a love for music and art, I love to build things and watch the History channel, and I even like to watch a chic flick every now and then. I'm sure those are the indicators that you all look for in a well-rounded person/man; a musically-artistic-crafty in-touch-with-his-feminine-side-historian of sorts. I also thought that, by nature of my well-roundedness, I had become pretty knowledgeable about many things, but soon I would find that there is a universe of knowledge that has somehow evaded me to this point in my life. And who knew that this deluge of new info could come from one class about the wonderful world of BREASTFEEDING?
When Jen told me about the class I was pumped (no pun intended). This was going to be our first baby-related class and I was ready to learn. I thought, "This should be pretty quick and painless. They'll probably talk for a few minutes about how you should definitely do it and then send us on our way with a couple of pamphlets containing little p.c. cartoon diagrams of baby and mommy bonding 'neath a HooterHider (otherwise known as a modesty shawl... actually, I just made that up)."
WRONGO!!!! I casually asked Jen what time the class started and she said, "6:30." Cool, I thought. Then I asked her the telling question, "How long do you think it will last?" And she replied, "I think it says right here, until 10:30." Dun dun duh!!!! Holy shnikees! (quickly doing the math in my head) That means this class is going to last for 4 hours. What on earth could could anyone possibly say about breastfeeding for 4 hours? I was officially blown away, but nonetheless... intrigued. Here's how it all went down...
6:29 - we arrive, miraculously on-time
6:35 - the instructor shows up and says that we'll wait for others to show
6:40 - Jen goes to bathroom and leaves me alone in a breastfeeding class full of mostly couples and some women by themselves, but no MEN by themselves... except me..."No, no, I'm not a creep, just signed up for the class by myself, kinda curious about how this whole thing works... Ok, nice meetin' ya... Breast of luck to ya! I mean..."
6:45 - Jen returns, class commences, everyone introduces themselves... 20 minutes...
7:05 - Video - No really... Hmm... let's see... we're in a breastfeeding class... there's a video... listen, it's not what you think. Well, maybe it is, but hey, you just have to think about it like... a National Geographic Documentary about some indigenous tribe in an unexplored part of Africa. It's educational... and a little uncomfortable... but in context, informative.
7:40 - go grab a used breastfeeding dummy out of the tupperware box... ours had a flat nose, no spine, and uneven stuffing... perfect!
7:45 - Proper holding positions... the cradle, the cross-cradle, and my personal favorite "the football hold". Yes, that's the technical term.
8:00 - Proper latching form and technique. It's actually quite intricate, but thoroughly demonstrated by the teacher with her faux nipple and gianormous baby dummy...
8:15 - potty break... can you say "stampede"?
8:35 - pamphlet.... checked out... ate some snacks like a pregnant lady cuz I was hungry.... somethin somethin... dry cracking... somethin somethin... lanolin...
9:00 - The next hour was my favorite... pumps and pumping 101... Wow! These things are awesome!!! I mean there's everything from a hand pump that looks like a transparent air horn... to the double pumper 350 dollar job that comes with its own backpack... This was recommended for ladies planning on going back to work while breastfeeding... I can only imagine... "Hey Louise, you've got a call on Line 7." "TELL'EM TO LEAVE A VOICEMAIL. I'M PUMPING!" Oh, that's gotta be awkward.
Just then I realized, this class was not only about learning the intricacies of breastfeeding, but it was also about suckering you into dropping 350 on one of their designer pumps... at first, I was outraged, but then outrage turned to "Hey, now that's pretty savvy marketing." Ahh, but our frugality held strong... haha suckers... not gettin us today!
10:00 - Dismissed... Newly enlightened and more well-rounded than a pregnant belly.
I have a feeling that our Childbirthing class is going to be life-changing... seeing as though it is comprised of four, three hour evenings of mind-blowing revelation!